weeds s04e10 & s04e11

simone: so that's me. that's him. and that's you.
harmony: so i do that and you do that and he does that.
simone: unless you do that and i do that.
shane: well i'm the only one who can do that.
harmony: unless we use one of those. but i dunno where we'd get that.



shane: they really wanna have sex.
silas: both of em? with you?
shane: yea with me. they dig me
silas: then whats your faggy ass doing here. cant get it up?
shane: always up but i'm freaking out. i mean. what do i do, do i have sex with both of them at the same time?
silas: unless you've grown an extra dick i don't think that's gonna be possible.



isabelle: you put me on liquid diets and snuck laxatives into my chocolate stash
you made me do ultra taibo when i was six.
you told me i'd never be loved when i was fat

s04e11



girl: head cheese sandwich please?
silas: six inch or foot long?
girl: six inch, ghey theyre is no meat in there anywhere right? cuz if meat even touches weed, i cant smoke it. i'm vegan



lisa: that's 240.
fatty: oh bargain
lisa: umm 240
fatty: i gave you five
lisa: yea you ordered the head cheese sandwich.
fatty: i did. everybody seemed to like them.
lisa: you may have actually ordered the wrong sandwich.
fatty: lemme check it.
silas: yea i gave you the wrong sandwich. my bad
lisa: and we just ran out of bread.
fatty: got a stack of sandwiches right there?
silas: those were pre ordered,
fatty: what's going on here?
lisa: sir, you're too fat.
fatty: you fattist. ima write you up on chow how.



maria: you sure there is no border patrol here?
doug: well as long as you dont walk out of the surface with ten other wet mexicans youll be fine.

project runway lame-itude s05e05

my name is blayne. i like the fact that a story about my divorced parents and my crazy family is brought up. it's so typical of project runway to air confessions of designers and those designers, like me, always end up in the bottom three.



i'm kinda angry that brook shields knew from the beginning that picking me is just a gamble. when i showed on the runway, she said that it is "a bit too casual and not sophisticated enough." but that's essentially what i showed on the sketch. if she's not confident looking at the sketch, why even bother? i mean, i showed bermuda shorts for her to go to work and she still picked me?



my name is daniel. i agree with blayne. i opened up and talked about my family background and i ended up in the bottom three again. it almost seems that when you give a spotlight to the designers, it either means that designer is gonna be at the bottom, or sometimes at the top. look at kelly. she talked about her grandma and sounded as pathetic as possible but still got kicked out. the ones who aren't interviewed, at least not aired, always end up safe.

i'm glad that i didn't go. i have impeccable taste but obviously i can't make a skirt. or maybe i just didn't care and i didnt want to interfere with kelly's great ideas. isn't it funny how after three completed seasons, all these amateur fashion designers still don't learn anything from previous group assignments? just like me, everyone is so rude, have no strategy to avoid conflicts, no one wants to express opinion on looks that are shitty because we don't care, and we like to confess to the tv how our partner's design is shit, and don't even sound positive; we just like
to stab others in the back.



my name is kelly and i have many bitchy facial expressions i can show you. i also have this nasal twang about my voice that i'm sure is pretty annoying to hear.





i'm so angry that i got kicked out even though daniel should have gone. that dress i made is totally great. the result is also different from the sketch i showed to brook shields. the mixture of the leopard print and the cheap black silhoutte with the real hideous bust deserves to win. i know that leopard print is tough to pull off because it's tacky most of the time but seriously, look at me. i love leopard print and i have a sleeve of tattoo on my arm. they are not a tacky combination at all.





my name is kenley and i'm an aspiring fashion designer. i'm pretty cute and the little flower on my head always makes me look adorable and innocent even though i like to laugh at people in their face. it's totally not rude. especially not on national tv. one day i will be successful because when customers come to me, i'll laugh in their face when i think they deserve it. i dont need to think of the consequences because honestly, i'm so cute and i have an annoying laugh. i'm sure i'll get more clients this way. they adore me!





looks like next week's episode is gonna be a great one! NOT!

weeds s04e09

last week episode was pretty bleak in terms of not having hilarious quotes. this week is better though.



celia: that will be 164 dollars and 17 cents. ya know, we give discounts for cash.
customer: i only have like 37 dollars in cash.
celia: done.
customer: are you sure?
celia: yeah. tell your friends.



nancy: you ever do this when you were young?
andy: no fucking way, thank you god. my mom was not hot.flappy upper arms. strange moles.
nancy: why couldnt he have a gun?





nancy: it's a little corky to masturbate to pictures of your mother. to have this sexual kindof relationship or conenction or hookup, the stand-in for your mother.
you may think it's okay because this woman isnt actually your mother because these photographs dont necessarily look like me. since you know me as me now, not me as me then. and according to freud a lot of people wanna have sex with their mother or substitutes for their mother.

doug: listen, you cock-juggling thunder cunt!

project runway lame-itude s05e04

at the beginning of the episode there's a recap from previous episodes, and i just caught that the kind-hearted ex mormon kid said that he didn't come to the show to make friends. what a typical thing to say when you're on a reality tv show.



my name suede and suede hates how suede doesnt get enough attention this episode. suede is totally sure that when suede said that "suede loves that", the camera is right in front of him. but somehow the editor decided to edit suede out and uses a shot of kelli instead. suede is wackadoodly pissed off.





my name is apollo ohno. i did the one "ohno you didnt" thing i shouldn't have done on project runway. i decided to wear an oversized tshirt when i first go on the show. i am totally ashamed because heidi called me one of the most stylish gold medalists ever.



my name is jennifer and i am particularly inspired by the little jogging suit. i wanna take a different era and translate into modern times. this is my sketch, and obviously i should stay in because i'm so eccentric; i'm the only one who creates childish sketches and matronly designs. i can't believe i got kicked out.







my name is joe. i decided to be an attention whore starting from now because as a 40 something old, bland looking guy, i need to gain the attention. and it feels damn good. i jokingly said "let the fashion games begin" at mood, and said it again when we walked into the work studio. my stomach cringed afterwards cuz i realized it's more bland than saying wackadoodle or girlicious.



i also wanted to show that i am a mature man and i like to confront my problems right away. i went up to daniel because he re-threaded my machine. if only he had paid attention to where people are working. people get in a groove and they start working on certain machines. daniel's so much into daniel. it's all about daniel. he didn't seem to be too concerned about that.

i mean, i'm sure i did the right thing. but then i realized that i am the dumber one to even bring it up because if i wanted to claim a machine, i should've written a note on the machine to not let anyone else use it. that should've been the first thing i did but instead i opted to be an attention whore to stay on the show longer.

my name is karto and i cannot believer i laughed again this week. and i even laughed at blayne's tanorexic jokes too. who knew that blayne and i could even get along. opposites really do attract!

weeds s04e07

nancy: you need to move out of my house
doug: hey nance. what time is it?
nancy: time for you to get the fuck out of my house.
doug: wow you sound really angry. d' you need sex? helps you relax. cuz i am willing to whip out my jeremy piven right now to give you what you need.



nancy [holding sanjay's baby]: god, c section?
clinque: nope. shot out like a piss. got a great pill. that's what every body say.



marvin: haven't you noticed something different about me? i lost ten pounds! finally back to my high school weight.



doug: look at this. they're like jews in weddings hors d'oeuvres.
andy: hey that's not cool.

weeds s04e06

nancy: did you get lucky with the rocky mountain shopping guy last night?
celia: fong? please. i'm so not into asians. the rice, dick, all that soy, "hai tao". not for me.

*


doug: check out bitch badge, or is it tramp stamp. either way she's hot.
andy: wow. her friend's got madonna arms. you think that's sexy?
doug: nah. not on a white woman.
andy: you need to find a place to live doug. ya know, place to take on the ladies.
doug: i gotta make some money.
andy: we should be coyotes. that guy who brought over davenport and marzipan was such an asshole. and charge them a fortune. i think we got a real opportunity here doug. we could be good coyotes. nice coyotes, like the jet blue of coyetes. sunny ships and bottled water. competitive pricing without the rape trees and the extortion.
doug: that could be our slogan.
andy: serious, man. oh look, asian with big fake tits. is there ice cream up the street?



doug: i love her. i love you!
andy: i think illegal immigration for profit. that's our next venture.
doug: let me think about it. i don't really like mexicans.



*


nancy: shane, how much do you want for the coffee table?
shane: 125
asian guy: 80
shane: 125!
asian guy" 120
shane: 130! keep it up!

*


andy: aah rad's mom. you own the cheese shop
lisa: cheese' gotta have it. yeah, that's me.
andy: that is so clever.
doug: i love your cheese.

*


doug: you are so beautiful. you're like a mermaid. a mexican mermaid. a mermax.
andy: i thought you dont like mexicans.
doug: just the fat ones. i'm doug.

weeds s04e05

crook: six dollars?
andy: that's like six thousand pesos.

nancy: i had a long talk with my associate.
guillermo: associate? damn. you already keep too many secrets from me. tottiera. lesbiana.
that's your girl outside isnt it?
nancy: celia?
guillermo: chewy took that camera to rite-aid. must thought you were fuckin around on her. following you everywhere.
nancy: uh yea, she has trust issues.
guillermo: man, i've seen bitches like her. crazy stalker bitches.

nancy: in the drive thru at popeyes i found myself saying 'family combo please'. and it was a moment of clarity. what i mean to say is, i was thinking of you today. of all of you.

weeds s04e04

guillermo: i had to smother a guy with a pillow once too. my arms got tired. you?
nancy: not so much. it was therapeutic. conformed to her face.



lanny: with all due respect, fuck you. i'ma go with bob wordon.
realtor: he'll tell you the same thing. and his tits won't get you an extra fifteen k at closing.
lanny: you wanna have dinner later?



wilson: you suck dick silas?
silas: you asked me that already mr. wilson.
wilson: oh right, right. you like the taste?