weeds s04e10 & s04e11

simone: so that's me. that's him. and that's you.
harmony: so i do that and you do that and he does that.
simone: unless you do that and i do that.
shane: well i'm the only one who can do that.
harmony: unless we use one of those. but i dunno where we'd get that.



shane: they really wanna have sex.
silas: both of em? with you?
shane: yea with me. they dig me
silas: then whats your faggy ass doing here. cant get it up?
shane: always up but i'm freaking out. i mean. what do i do, do i have sex with both of them at the same time?
silas: unless you've grown an extra dick i don't think that's gonna be possible.



isabelle: you put me on liquid diets and snuck laxatives into my chocolate stash
you made me do ultra taibo when i was six.
you told me i'd never be loved when i was fat

s04e11



girl: head cheese sandwich please?
silas: six inch or foot long?
girl: six inch, ghey theyre is no meat in there anywhere right? cuz if meat even touches weed, i cant smoke it. i'm vegan



lisa: that's 240.
fatty: oh bargain
lisa: umm 240
fatty: i gave you five
lisa: yea you ordered the head cheese sandwich.
fatty: i did. everybody seemed to like them.
lisa: you may have actually ordered the wrong sandwich.
fatty: lemme check it.
silas: yea i gave you the wrong sandwich. my bad
lisa: and we just ran out of bread.
fatty: got a stack of sandwiches right there?
silas: those were pre ordered,
fatty: what's going on here?
lisa: sir, you're too fat.
fatty: you fattist. ima write you up on chow how.



maria: you sure there is no border patrol here?
doug: well as long as you dont walk out of the surface with ten other wet mexicans youll be fine.

weeds s04e09

last week episode was pretty bleak in terms of not having hilarious quotes. this week is better though.



celia: that will be 164 dollars and 17 cents. ya know, we give discounts for cash.
customer: i only have like 37 dollars in cash.
celia: done.
customer: are you sure?
celia: yeah. tell your friends.



nancy: you ever do this when you were young?
andy: no fucking way, thank you god. my mom was not hot.flappy upper arms. strange moles.
nancy: why couldnt he have a gun?





nancy: it's a little corky to masturbate to pictures of your mother. to have this sexual kindof relationship or conenction or hookup, the stand-in for your mother.
you may think it's okay because this woman isnt actually your mother because these photographs dont necessarily look like me. since you know me as me now, not me as me then. and according to freud a lot of people wanna have sex with their mother or substitutes for their mother.

doug: listen, you cock-juggling thunder cunt!

weeds s04e07

nancy: you need to move out of my house
doug: hey nance. what time is it?
nancy: time for you to get the fuck out of my house.
doug: wow you sound really angry. d' you need sex? helps you relax. cuz i am willing to whip out my jeremy piven right now to give you what you need.



nancy [holding sanjay's baby]: god, c section?
clinque: nope. shot out like a piss. got a great pill. that's what every body say.



marvin: haven't you noticed something different about me? i lost ten pounds! finally back to my high school weight.



doug: look at this. they're like jews in weddings hors d'oeuvres.
andy: hey that's not cool.

weeds s04e06

nancy: did you get lucky with the rocky mountain shopping guy last night?
celia: fong? please. i'm so not into asians. the rice, dick, all that soy, "hai tao". not for me.

*


doug: check out bitch badge, or is it tramp stamp. either way she's hot.
andy: wow. her friend's got madonna arms. you think that's sexy?
doug: nah. not on a white woman.
andy: you need to find a place to live doug. ya know, place to take on the ladies.
doug: i gotta make some money.
andy: we should be coyotes. that guy who brought over davenport and marzipan was such an asshole. and charge them a fortune. i think we got a real opportunity here doug. we could be good coyotes. nice coyotes, like the jet blue of coyetes. sunny ships and bottled water. competitive pricing without the rape trees and the extortion.
doug: that could be our slogan.
andy: serious, man. oh look, asian with big fake tits. is there ice cream up the street?



doug: i love her. i love you!
andy: i think illegal immigration for profit. that's our next venture.
doug: let me think about it. i don't really like mexicans.



*


nancy: shane, how much do you want for the coffee table?
shane: 125
asian guy: 80
shane: 125!
asian guy" 120
shane: 130! keep it up!

*


andy: aah rad's mom. you own the cheese shop
lisa: cheese' gotta have it. yeah, that's me.
andy: that is so clever.
doug: i love your cheese.

*


doug: you are so beautiful. you're like a mermaid. a mexican mermaid. a mermax.
andy: i thought you dont like mexicans.
doug: just the fat ones. i'm doug.

weeds s04e05

crook: six dollars?
andy: that's like six thousand pesos.

nancy: i had a long talk with my associate.
guillermo: associate? damn. you already keep too many secrets from me. tottiera. lesbiana.
that's your girl outside isnt it?
nancy: celia?
guillermo: chewy took that camera to rite-aid. must thought you were fuckin around on her. following you everywhere.
nancy: uh yea, she has trust issues.
guillermo: man, i've seen bitches like her. crazy stalker bitches.

nancy: in the drive thru at popeyes i found myself saying 'family combo please'. and it was a moment of clarity. what i mean to say is, i was thinking of you today. of all of you.

weeds s04e04

guillermo: i had to smother a guy with a pillow once too. my arms got tired. you?
nancy: not so much. it was therapeutic. conformed to her face.



lanny: with all due respect, fuck you. i'ma go with bob wordon.
realtor: he'll tell you the same thing. and his tits won't get you an extra fifteen k at closing.
lanny: you wanna have dinner later?



wilson: you suck dick silas?
silas: you asked me that already mr. wilson.
wilson: oh right, right. you like the taste?

weeds s04e03

guillermo: look at your hands. they no stop moving. banging on the steering wheel. tapping on the dash. fanning your coochi.

carilly (sp): oh jesus cock, you've got a christ on.
wilson: sorry about that. must be upsetting. unless you own a horse.

weeds s04e01 s04e02

finally! waited too fuckin long for this show to return. this show is so goddamn good. every episode jenji kohan just delivered to my face. the script is hilarious as usual. anyway, some lines:



^that's not a drink btw



andy: i'm having jerkoff flashbacks. my old stains are still on the wall.
nancy: my children are sleeping next to their unborn cousins. i'm thrilled.
andy: hey, this is where judah and i grew from boys to men.
nancy: how often did you guys come here?
andy: oh three or four times a night.

more after the jump




dough: do you wanna combine them and get like a ginormous suite. a sweet suite. a dude suite.
dean: a dude suite with isabel.
doug: okay, well, she's almost a dude.
dea: not ready to make that judgment till she's passed puberty

episode two



doug: of course they are. the black guys never get arrested. but here we sit. two milks and a cappucino. roasted by the man.